Sunday, April 29, 2012

Elektra (2005) Blu-Ray Directors cut

Rating: 2 out of 5 sai’s thrown through a ninja with super powers

Plot Synopsis:  The Hand wants a little girl, because, hey who doesn’t want a little girl and Elektra gets involved.  Much ninjaing and hot Jennifer Garner follows.  Plus it’s got Shang Tsung and Zod in it.

The Good:

-Good open, some animation tells us what we need to know about the upcoming story.  There’s good, there’s evil, there’s The Hand and there’s Elektra and here’s how she’s back from the dead.

-We get The Hand

-We get Stick

-Jennifer Garner looks buff and hot as hell, even hotter than in Daredevil.

-Elektra’s opening hit is awesome.  She sticks to the shadows and is barely seen for the first 10 minutes.  As she’s working through the hits guards he tells a story about how badass she is.  She finally shows up and whispers in his ear before throwing, yes that’s right throwing, a sai right through him.  Why she gets close enough to whisper before running far enough away to throw a sai just so she can walk up to him and take back her sai I have no idea.  While totally badass it is the least efficient way to kill someone with a sai.  Besides maybe baking one into a cake and leaving it out hoping that your target will walk by and dive into it without regard to safety and begin eating with abandon and accidently consume it leading to a fatal bowel obstruction.

-Shang fucking Tsung himself leads The Hand.

-Her workout scene is pretty hardcore, no wonder she looks so buff.

-The Hand explode into green mist.

-The ninja gang’s intro is super badass, think Reservoir Dogs but more asiany.

-Bob mother lovin’ Sapp is in this?  No one told me Bob mother lovin Sapp was in this.

-Stick as a pool hustler.

-Elektra is helping Mark Miller, good reference.

-Oh shit I just realized Zod is Stick, that’s badass.

-Bob Sapp that was totally pimp the way you took a shotgun blast to the chest and then brushed the buckshot off.

-Shit Bob Sapp can you ever not be awesome.

-Ohp Stick’s back.

-Elektra’s about to whoop a little girls ass.  Show her what’s what.  She’s not too young to beat with kung fu.  No one is ever too young to beat with kung fu.

-Crappy Typhoid Mary goes out like the bitchiest, shittiest, punkiest punk.  Which is awsome cause her character sucked.

-Ohp, Stick’s back.

The Bad:

-Apparently dying makes you super OCD.

-Not a lot happens in the opening, it’s mostly character moments.  They’re well done, there’s nothing to 
complain about but they’re neither exceptional nor terrible so there isn’t much to take notice of for at least the 1st half hour (not including the awesome opening which takes less than 10 minutes)

-You lead them away from the ninjas into a poorly fortified bathroom with a window.  How is that better?

-The Hand are in black rather than the traditional red.

-Stick is here and gone again.

-This Typhoid Mary sucks.

-It’s a terrible, terrible Typhoid Mary.

-Elektra’s little girl side kick is kind of annoying and stupid.

-Seriously Bob Sapp, you can take a shotgun blast to the chest point blank and be fine but a falling tree takes you out like a bitch?

-They don’t really explain much about the Hand’s Reservoir Dogs.

-That is one lame ass excuse for a girl on girl kiss.  Neither party look all that into in.

-“And it will begin and end where it all ended which is where it all began, at least for you at least.”  way to talk ninja boy.

-It looks like there’s going to be a badass warm up scene with Elektra wasting a bunch of ninja but instead they all get blowed up by magic explosive swamp fog coming out of her stove.

-“Stay behind me where you’re the most vulnerable to the magic snakes following us, where I can’t keep an eye on you and where you’re the most likely to fall behind to where I can’t help you.”

-You know, ALL of the ninja Reservoir Dogs go out like total bitches.

-Elektra spends the last quarter of the film getting her ass kicked a lot.

-Ohp, Stick’s gone again.

-You know, that really looks like a bad touch there Elektra.

-“You can’t leave me I just found you but now that you’re back I have to leave.”

The Ugly:

-“Are you counting?” what the fuck does that have to do with anything?

-Master Roshi?  Master Roshi?  The perverted turtle hermit?  Dragon Ball has ruined that name for me.

-Holy shit the annoying little girl knows kung fu suddenly.  It’s made better later by some exposition but still...

-When did natural gas start looking like mystic swamp fog?  Also why is her abandoned house still getting mystical swamp fog natural gas?

-Matt Murdock makes a cameo in the deleted scenes but he’s sans red hair and sans eye scars and apparently sans blindness.  I’m glad they cut this out.

Final Thoughts:  There are just vast expanses where nothing notable takes place.  Not to say that it’s boring or poorly done, it’s just nothing.  It’s not especially good, it’s not especially bad, it just is.  If I didn’t write as I watched I’d have written nothing.  I just hit stop on the machine and I literally couldn’t tell you anything about the plot.  I remember Jennifer Garner looking hot, the opening kill kind of, something about swimming, there’s definitely a hedge maze at some point, there’s a little girl who uses a chain whip, some dude with tattoo’s, a crappy Typhoid Mary and a white ninja (he dresses in white, he’s not Caucasian).  I should also mention that is probably the 3rd time I’ve seen the movie.  I didn’t even remember Bob Sapp or even a single black guy in this until I watched it just now.  I also remember it being better.

            It’s not a bad movie, it’s not as good as Daredevil, but it’s not terrible.  It’s just forgettable in the extreme.  I forgot that both Shang Tsung and Zod were in this thing.  Shang Tsung and mother fucking Zod.  It’s like there’s a magic spell on this thing that makes you forget awesome.  Check it out if you need to be a completist, I bought the blu-ray director’s cut because, well, I got a blu-ray for Christmas and I might as well use it plus it’s pretty cheap on Amazon so you might as well get the most complete version you can buy.  Although it clips along at an objectively brisk 100 minutes (it can feel like 2 ½ hours long at points) so if this is the result of putting stuff in then the regular version of this might have gaping plot holes.  I didn’t notice a too many holes in the plot but then again it is enchanted with a forgetting spell. 

It’s a competently made movie, the people do a good job, there’s nothing glaringly wrong with it.  It’s just a little, kinda, really super boring.

No comments:

Post a Comment