Tank Girl (1995) Netflix

Pictured: 'Tank' and 'Girl'

Rating: 4 out of 5 Self Aware Tanks Fighting Evil Corporations

Plot Synopsis:  Well, there’s this tank… and there’s this girl… and well they come together…

Wanted: Weapons of Fate (2009) Xbox 360

"Wanted" is a bit of a stretch

Rating:  3 out of 5 bullets with your name on it curved at your head.

Plot Synopsis:  The game picks up shortly after the end of the movie.  Wesley is being hunted by a different fraternity (the Paris one to be exact) which causes him to shoot up parts of Chicago and Europe in his attempt to stop The Immortal who he blames for killing his mother.  You play in flashback scenes as Wesley’s father Cross who also, surprise, shoots things.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) Blu-Ray

Rating: 3 out 5 Inexplicably Mutated Animal Experts of Karate

Review:  I realize I'm late to the party on this one so I'm not going to make a huge deal about it.  It's kind of weird that this thing just came out in July and already it's on DVD.  I guess the same could be said about Dame to Kill For and Guardians of the Galaxy but it feels like this was just in theaters.  Anyway... I sat down and watch TMNT.  All in all I've got to say I'm pretty happy with it.  The lack of Casey Jones gives the original the edge however.

  I haven't seen the original in a while but it's very clear that this concept works best as either a comic book or modern CGI-fest movie.  The original I remember as being more plodding, more character focused with few fights and limited choreography.  They did what they could with what they had and as a result aimed it in a totally different direction.  This thing has Michael Bay written all over it.  When there aren't action beats there's comedy beats and when there aren't comedy beats there is movement.  I would defy you to find a single second of film where something isn't moving.  That being said I enjoyed the hell out of it.  It is the Pizza Hut pizza of movies, appropriately enough.  The action scenes are solid, the Turtles have distinct and fun personalities, Will Arnet is pretty funny and while I'm not a fan of Megan Fox she has some great comedy acting moments during the course of the run time.  Both Splinter and The Shredder bad-ass it up, another thing that wasn't and/or couldn't be done in the original film.  I really liked Shredder's new suit and while the character has zero character development he did what he needed to do which is show up and kick ass.  Oh boy does he kick ass.  They push him as such a heel that when he does finally get beaten it seems like a total fluke.  It almost seems like he CAN'T be beaten so when he inevitably is it feels undeserved and unearned.

  You can't really compare this to the original but at the same time it's impossible for someone like me to not make comparisons.  The original movie came out right in my childhood, the Turtles were a huge part of my adolescence.  The cartoon, the action figures, not so much the comics, but the movie helped define my time as a child so it's very hard for me to not use that as the measuring stick to evaluate the new movie.  So I have to keep in mind that this is not my time anymore and these aren't my Turtles and I have to let go of those preconceived notions and I think if you can let go of those pre-concieved notions you'll have a lot of fun with this movie.  But it may only be a one and done situation so I'd encourage the average person to Redbox or Netflix it.

Bulletproof Monk (2003) Netflix

Lies!  He's holding nothing but lies!

Rating: 3 out of 5 Monk’s That Are Actually Bulletproof

Plot Synopsis:  There is a monk, he’s a like a super monk, and this lineage of super monks gets handed down from master to student, who then becomes master.  Okay?  So then there’s this Nazi, right, and he wants the scroll so he can be an immortal racist dick.  But the Monk, who gave up his name to be the super monk, escapes.  Suddenly we’re in New York, story go!

Monkeybone (2001) Netflix

This movie is bananas! (kill me)

Rating:  3 out of 5 MONKEYS!

Plot Synopsis:  A cartoonist gets into an accident and ends up in a coma.  He ends up losing his body to his monkey alter ego and then adventures into another body to go after his other body.  The plot isn’t really anything special or coherent.

All Superheroes Must Die (Vs) (2013) Blu-Ray

Death Traps: The Movie.

Rating:  3 out of 5 Superheroes Surviving a Game of Death

Plot Synopsis:  A villain somehow captures a bunch of hero’s and says to them “Let’s play a game.” Forcing them into series of challenges under threat of killing a whole town.