Fantastic Four (2015) Theatrical Release

Fuck the Haters

Plot:  A-hole Reed Richards irreparably deforms three of his closest friends and some vaguely foreign guy.

Score: 4 out of 5 Limbs That You Can Stretch Impossibly

Review:  I think the first thing I have to do is justify my score because I think that's what people are going to bust my balls the most about.  I liked this movie, I read a lot of hate about this movie, I read a lot of hate in the months leading up to this movie.  In many ways I think people were programmed to hate this movie which lead to a lot of stupid nit picking.  I'm not above nit picking but I typically only start nit picking when there is nothing else for my brain to hold on to.  If there is nothing of value beneath the surface than I have no choice but to focus on the surface.  So I went into this movie as open as I possibly could be, critical but open.  When so many people demand that you feel a particular way about something I think it's important to examine why.  Alright, the score.  The movie, at it's objective core, is well shot, well edited, for the most part well paced and well acted.  The scenes are composed well and I can't take anything away from the principal cast because every single one of them did the best job they could and that's obvious and any weakness in the script, I feel, is more than made up for by everything else they did well.  Just for those core competencies this movie gets a 3 out of 5.  I give it the extra point because it tried for something different.  It's success is up for debate but because it tried for something different it gets an automatic point.

Tank Girl (1995) Netflix

Pictured: 'Tank' and 'Girl'

Rating: 4 out of 5 Self Aware Tanks Fighting Evil Corporations

Plot Synopsis:  Well, there’s this tank… and there’s this girl… and well they come together…

Arrow: Escape from Lian Yu (2012, PS3)

The Arrow game in question.

Rating: 4 out of 5 People Who Have Failed This Island

Plot Synopsis:  Oliver Queen is a rich, entitled frat boy on vacation with his brothers and friends when they skydive onto an island filled with pirates, drugs and human traffickers.  This game follows a young Oliver Queen as he transitions from rich asshole to plain bad-ass.

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) Theatrical Release

Days of Future Blast (fan poster by Squiddytron)

Rating:  4 out 5 Mutants Thinking With Portals

Review:  This is a good movie.  It's a shitty sequel but it's a good movie.  Ostensibly this is a sequel to X-Men: First Class but it isn't, not really.  I would really classify this as more a sequel to X2 than a sequel to First Class.  It doesn't carry over any of the plot threads, tone or theme from that movie.  I dare say that it makes First Class at totally superfluous film, it negates the reason for that film to exist other than to act as a glorified appendix for a bunch sight gags and references.  I have heard it referred to as a "soft reboot" and in that sense it really succeeds because it eliminates the chaff and the mistakes made from the cash ins that were Last Stand and XMO: Wolverine.  Essentially everything from X2 onward, with the exception, perhaps, of The Wolverine, has been eliminated from cannon making those movies superfluous as well I suppose.

  Allllllllll that being said I really enjoyed this movie.  There are things that are left out, like Kitty suddenly able to send someone back into the past, but, for the most part, it's a very enjoyable movie with a pretty solid plot.  A lot of what's left out, I don't think, would benefit the movie and would just serve to increase its running time.  What's there is fun, well acted, well paced and generally good.  Acting highlights include Peter Dinklage as Bolivar Trask who just fucking nails this role.  I can't imagine a better actor for this.  He comes in a just knocks it out of the park in every scene.  He has just a very intense presence that serves the character well.  The second is Evan Peters as Quicksilver.  I admit to being skeptical at first.  I saw Aaron Taylor-Johnson (in the upcoming Age of Ultron) to be the obviously superior Quicksilver.  He has the build, the accent and the chops.  Evan Peters used to just kind of be "that guy in Kick-Ass who isn't Kick-Ass".  I was wrong, his performance in this is fantastic and he steals the show for the short time he's in it.  The super speed scene in particular is quite impressive and amazing to watch.  Other than that just his attitude, his fast talking, his constant questions and his general fun loving demeanor is a joy to experience.  I think those are really the two worth mentioning.  Obviously the main cast does an amazing job, they filled those roles with incredible actors.  Actors whose reputations proceed them, it would be more surprising if they sucked, as it is they put in routine, for them, fantastic performances.

Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow (2008) Netflix

The Future of Avenging

Rating:  4 out of 5 Robo Avengers Trounced by Children

Plot Synopsis:  The children of the Avengers are kept safe on an island by Tony Stark after Ultron kills the other Avengers.  Eventually Ultron finds the kids and the kids decide to take the battle to him.

Batman: Arkham Asylum (2009) X-Box 360

I AM THE NIGHT!

Rating:  4 out of 5 Batarangs Whipped at the Heads of Thugs

Plot Synopsis:  Joker takes over the Asylum and it’s up to Batman to stop him.

The Tick (2001, Netflix)

Behold: The two headed cobra of justice!

Rating: 4 out of 5 Nigh Invincible Bug Themed Heroes

Review:  I totally missed out on The Tick show when it first aired.  I remember Fox making a big deal out of the pilot, directed by Barry Sonnefeld and maybe I watched it and maybe I didn't.  But if I did watch that pilot then I missed the rest of it.  Much later, in 2010 I watched the series while under the influence of a terrible flu and didn't really remember much of that experience.  Here and now I have watched the series again and it's pretty good.  I don't really understand why it was cancelled really.  It always surprises me what get's cancelled and what runs forever.

The Walking Dead (Seasons 1-3, Netflix)

Rating: 4 out 5 Walkers Decapitated With a Badass Sword

Review: I suddenly decided to get back into The Walking Dead.  Several years ago, probably around midway of season 2, I tried to get into The Walking Dead but I didn't make it past the second episode.  It was mostly because I didn't really understand what I was seeing and, perhaps, I wasn't really in the right mindset.  I really enjoyed the first episode and most of the second episode but when Lori has sex with Shane and then is shown living this seemingly idyllic life out in the country while her husband is covered in gore trying desperately to survive and find her and their son.  I saw that and I thought "Great, this is going to be episode after episode of this guy getting figuratively kicked in the nuts looking for his family while his family lives on like he never existed.  Then he's going to find them and he'll move on because they don't need him anymore."  It also made me immediately hate Lori because if I were in her situation, and in fact it is shown, in those two episodes, that if Rick were in her situation he would be celibate out of respect to the fallen spouse.  I don't know why it made me so mad but it did.  So I just decided that this show wasn't for me.

Thor: The Dark World (2013, Theatrical Release)

Thor vs. The Phantom of the Opera

Rating:  4 out of 5 Gravity Grenades Crushing Everything Around It

Review:  What comes to mind with this film is balance.  In my review of the first Thor movie I said it was the most balanced movie of Phase One.  I think this Thor movie will prove to be the most balanced movie of Phase Two.  It has a very satisfying mix of humor, drama and action and they all happen at a relatively decent pace.

Boy Wonder (2010) Netflix

Rating:  4 out of 5 teenage vigilantes searching the night for vengeance.

Plot Synopsis:  A young man is witness to the violent murder of his mother and spends his youth getting preparing himself to find the killer.  During his hunt for his mother’s killer he decides to practice on some local hoods.

R.E.D. (2010) DVD

Damn fine actress and what a woman.

Rating:  4 out of 5 Retired But Extremely Dangerous Government Agents

Plot Synopsis:  Frank Moses gets a hit put on him by an unknown person in the US government.  This puts himself and the lovely pension phone operator Sarah Ross in danger as they are seeking to leverage Sarah against Frank or eliminate both in case Sarah questions Frank’s death.  It isn’t real clear.  Anyway, they have to figure out who is hunting them while at the same time gathering some old assets to help them.

Thor (2011) Blu-Ray

Rating:  4 out of 5 Norse gods undergoing existential crisis

Plot Synopsis:  Thor learns what it to be truly worthy.

Iron Man 3 (2013) theatrical release

Rating: 4 out of 5 autonomous armors here to save you

Review:  I've been looking forward to this for some time.  The script rumors, the plot talk, set photo's and then finally clips and trailers.  I was really looking forward to seeing this and it lived up to the hype.  Not for reasons that I thought it would, no not at all, there are several twists that totally changed my experience.  They are entertaining, shocking and done really well but they changed my experience.  There really isn't much more I can say about the plot really, you should really see the twists for your self.  I will say that it very loosely follows the Etremis plot line from the comic books (I tracked down the series so I could get a feel for it and the movie is a very loose adaption but there are elements there).

Iron Man (2008) Blu Ray

He...Is...ah you know the rest.

Rating:  4 out of 5 Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropists

Plot Synopsis:  Tony Stark loses his heart but gains a conscience in this, the origin story, of Iron Man.

Blade: Trinity (2004) DVD, Directors Cut

Does anyone else see that hill over there?
Where are my ice skates?

Rating:  4 out of 5 Resurrected Dracula’s

Plot Synopsis:  Dracula has done come back and it’s up to Blade to ham fistedly end the trilogy.

Arrow (TV Series) Ep. 102

Series: Arrow

Episode: 102, Honor Thy Father

Rating: 4 out 5 billionaire playboys turned vigilante arrow slingers

Review:  First off I don't intend to review EVERY episode of Arrow but after watching this weeks episode I wanted to comment on a few things.  In pretty much every way this episode is better than the pilot.  We get more time with Detective Lance and Dinah Lance and they really deliver on their characters.  They manage to make Dinah a relevant character again after pretty much neutering her in the pilot.  It could be argued that the sudden change that bring Dinah back as a love interest is a result of sloppy writing and an attempt on the part of the writers to unwrite the corner they wrote themselves into.  But the way they bring about the change makes sense both in the context of the story and in the context of the character.  Plus I'm just happy that they made her relevant and she wasn't going to be this barnacle of a character holding on to the show because they may need her later or because fans want someone with Black Canary's name.

  The episode really gels and is fun to watch.  The action is good, Oliver becomes more interesting and we see him kick a huge amount of ass.  We get a super villain (in the form of China White, I believe).  We see the return of the trick arrow.  Pretty much everything that was missing from the pilot was here in this episode.  It had that "thing" that was missing from the pilot.  This made me want to break out the action figures and boot up Justice League: Heroes on PS2 so I could play as Green Arrow.  This episode made me excited about the character and really excited about the future of the show.  The last 20 minutes are the best.  Oliver Queen makes an awesome speech trying to destroy his own legacy and another shock ending.  Plus the next episode preview shows Deadshot!  If you didn't like the pilot you might want to give the show another shot.

Dredd 3D (2012) Theatrical Release

Rating: 4 out of 5 people who are the law and who give the sentence of death

Review:  You know it's been a good couple of years for comic movies.  The creators take the source material seriously, they get good actors, write decent stories and film good movies.  That wasn't always the case, you got a Spider-Man 3 or a Batman and Robin WAY more than you got a Dark Knight or a X-Men 2.  This year alone has been pretty great for people who love their comics in live action on the big screen.

So this is awesome...

  Something cool to cleanse the palate after that last post.

Batman Begins (2005) DVD

Rating: 4 out of 5 snarky British butlers

Plot Synopsis:  Bruce Wayne done lost his parents.  He’s handling it well.

Amazing Spider-Man (2012) Theatrical Release

Rating: 4 out of 5 radioactive spider bites that lead to amazing powers and not horrible cancer death

Review:  I'm going to go for the more free flow, spoiler-free (for the most part) review of movies in theaters.  This is due to the overwhelmingly (meaning no) response to the Avengers review.

  I went and saw Amazing Spider-Man today and I have to say I was pretty impressed.  The movie is a reboot rather than a sequel, which, based on how Raimi left the franchise, is entirely understandable.  You couldn't build a grass hut on that crappy foundation.  I think the logical sequel to that mess would just be 2 hours of people shitting on a pile of Spider-Man comic books.  Also there would be the introduction of the Dirty Dozen which would be the combination of two Sinister Six's and include Spider-Man who would then also have to fight himself.  Also it it would turn out that they all killed Uncle Ben.

  I digress.