Fantastic Four (2015) Theatrical Release

Fuck the Haters

Plot:  A-hole Reed Richards irreparably deforms three of his closest friends and some vaguely foreign guy.

Score: 4 out of 5 Limbs That You Can Stretch Impossibly

Review:  I think the first thing I have to do is justify my score because I think that's what people are going to bust my balls the most about.  I liked this movie, I read a lot of hate about this movie, I read a lot of hate in the months leading up to this movie.  In many ways I think people were programmed to hate this movie which lead to a lot of stupid nit picking.  I'm not above nit picking but I typically only start nit picking when there is nothing else for my brain to hold on to.  If there is nothing of value beneath the surface than I have no choice but to focus on the surface.  So I went into this movie as open as I possibly could be, critical but open.  When so many people demand that you feel a particular way about something I think it's important to examine why.  Alright, the score.  The movie, at it's objective core, is well shot, well edited, for the most part well paced and well acted.  The scenes are composed well and I can't take anything away from the principal cast because every single one of them did the best job they could and that's obvious and any weakness in the script, I feel, is more than made up for by everything else they did well.  Just for those core competencies this movie gets a 3 out of 5.  I give it the extra point because it tried for something different.  It's success is up for debate but because it tried for something different it gets an automatic point.

Casting Choices or Michael B. Jordan for Human Torch and Donald Glover for Spider-Man (a swear filled rant)

I came across this:

Michael B. Jordan definitely wants to be the Human Torch
and I felt the need to say something.  I guess more accurately go on a rant because saying something suggests a coherent beginning, middle and end.  Also a point and I'm not sure I have one.  This is what spurred that on (granted any one of these quotes could be sarcastic and I wouldn't know it):

Happy Fantastic Fourth of July!

  I threw this together because it's something I've been meaning to do and today's a holiday for me so I've got the time.  It's pretty much all the Doom scenes from the Corman Fantastic Four.  It's 14 minutes long.  I haven't even watched the final product.  I did the grabs, linked the files in Vegas and posted it.  From what little I did watch it's terrible.  So happy 4th...enjoy?

Fantastic Four (1994) DVD

Rating: 0 out of 5 stereotype replacements of established characters

Plot Synopsis:  Reed and Victor try to harness the power of COLE-OS-US which ends up disfiguring Doom.  Ten years later Reed leads a crew of untrained kids into space where they become horribly mutilated and given special powers.  We have a B-plot involving a stereotype and the quickest damn love story ever.  Then Doom shoots a laser that is powered by all the FF’s powers (?) and the laser, a beam of light traveling at the speed of light, is vulnerable to crappy CGI fire (WTF?).

Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) Blu-Ray

Rating: 3 out of 5 weddings ruined by cosmic menace

Plot Synopsis:  It’s time for Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman to get married, because, hey why not we need to pad the opening of the movie anyway.  Also we need to close the movie.  Honestly we wrote mostly middle so we have to do something.  We got, like, a cold open with some CGI, some bullshit, a decent scene on a plane that goes nowhere but it’s fun, then cosmic menace.  So we got a B plot with Mole Man or B plot with wedding.  Keep in mind Mole Man doesn’t have dancing.

  

  So there’s a wedding followed by cosmic menace is what I’m saying.

Fantastic Four (2005) Blu-Ray

Rating: 3 out of 5 Stretchy appendages

Plot Synopsis:  Reed Richards wants to study a cosmic phenomena so he goes to Doom for cash.  This leads the titular (and in the case of Jessica Alba, tit-u-lar) incredible four, and Doom, for some reason, up in space where they are bombarded by the rays cosmic.  Hijinks, and mutations, follow.