Plot
Synopsis: It’s time for Mr.
Fantastic and the Invisible Woman to get married, because, hey why not we need
to pad the opening of the movie anyway.
Also we need to close the movie.
Honestly we wrote mostly middle so we have to do something. We got, like, a cold open with some CGI, some
bullshit, a decent scene on a plane that goes nowhere but it’s fun, then cosmic
menace. So we got a B plot with Mole Man
or B plot with wedding. Keep in mind
Mole Man doesn’t have dancing.
So there’s a wedding
followed by cosmic menace is what I’m saying.
The Good:
-Opening, 2 cloud like hands retract from a broken planet.
-Johnny’s new uniforms, covered in sponsorships. They’d look like the worlds sexiest race car
drivers. I mean besides Danica Patrick
and Dale Earnhardt Jr.
-The end of the opening with the Four on a plane. Johnny flying outside waving at Thing with
Thing disgustingly shutting the window.
-The 3 actors that did so great in their roles last movie
deliver again (Ioan Gruffudd as Reed, Chris Evans as Johnny, Micheal Chiklis as
Ben).
-The Thing make up is much better in this one allowing
Micheal Chiklis a little more range of facial expressions. The way they do this is a little lame. You have Thing hanging out with some kids and
smiling and posing. I guess if you’re
going to show it off you might as well start big.
-Huge red afro, oh yes, you’ll know it when you see it.
-The Surfer going through his board to look at Johnny
pursuing him. Totally badass. He just sort of falls forward through the
board to stand upside down looking at Johnny.
-They do a good job giving the characters little moments that
humanize them. Torch starting little
fires, Thing struggling with being Thing, Mr. Fantastic’s casual use of his powers
and self confidence issues when up against Doom, Invisible Woman getting Torch’s
powers and freaking out and Torch struggling with an identity that doesn’t
include having super powers.
-The glimpses of Galactus.
All the little hints about this huge cosmic being, the little hints at
the bigger picture.
-The Fantasti-car. The
debut of the Fantasti-car is pretty awesome because I’m a sucker for the
Fantasti-car and H.E.R.B.I.E. Sadly we
do not get H.E.R.B.I.E.
-Silver Surfer is pretty well done. His powers are awesome whether he’s using
them or Doom is it’s pretty cool to watch what they can do.
The Bad:
-The middle of the opening with the weird happenings, it
doesn’t really mean anything that isn’t explained later on, it feels confusing
and redundant.
-Doom sucks again. No
armor, no yelling, nothing over the top, barely has any powers. Just pretty boy McMahon being a douchey
douche nozzle of a douche.
-Doom just keeps fondling his ring. Every scene he’s in where the camera shows
him from the shoulders down he just fondles his class ring with the big “D” on
it. We get it, it’s a big ring. A big ring with a big D on it. Stop fondling it like it’s your first nipple.
-We never actually see Galactus. After doing some research this movie was
supposed to be a jumping on point for a Silver Surfer movie and at that point
we would see Galactus in his entirety and they wanted to save that surprise for
that movie but due to the poor performance of the movie we never got the
payoff. Which is sad because I would
have totally been there for that.
The Ugly:
-Mr. Fantastic’s dance scene is both horrible and
awesome. On one hand it has really no
place in the movie as it does really nothing for the characters or the plot,
one the other hand it’s a fun display of powers with pretty good CGI.
-“Is that a Hemi?” we need to cram in a Dodge product
placement and also a Hemi product placement in order to pay for all the
CGI. Let me write a Fantasti-car
sequence real quick here...done.
Cha-ching.
-Doom is above puns.
He has no use for plays of words.
Doom doesn’t play with words, Doom plays with lives and Doom always
wins.
Final
Thoughts: I don’t get the hate
on this movie. People who wrote bad
reviews cited “lazy directing” and "amalgam of recycled ideas, dead air, dumb quips, casual
sexism and pseudoscientific mumbo jumbo".
In one instance they even said that this movie made Spider-Man 3 look
like a masterpiece by comparison. First
off that is total bullshit, Spider-Man 3 is terrible and this movie has nothing
in common with that. I almost gave
Spider-Man 3 a 0 rating but took 2 fight scenes totally out of context, the
corn in the turd if you will, and gave it a 1 based on those alone.
As far as lazy directing, I wouldn’t agree with that either. If by lazy they meant that he wasn’t able to
pull performances out of the disinterested Jessica Alba and Julian McMahon I
would say that that wasn’t his fault.
The actors that did a good job were either fans of the material, fans of
acting or determined to have fun. They
brought that extra something that helped the director rather than showing up
and reading lines, hoping that the director would motivate them. The ability to pull an excellent performance
out of an unmotivated actor is the difference between a good director and a
great director and I don’t think a perfectly good director should be blamed for
that.
This isn’t meant to be grim and gritty, this is supposed to be
light and fun and filled with super science.
Fantastic Four was at its best when it dealt with huge cosmic problems
with fake science where the stakes were high but the tone was light. That’s what you get with this film, it’s not
a deep movie, there isn’t a ton if introspective character moments, it’s just a
fun movie. It’s a movie you could watch
with kids or with your family, it’s the cotton candy of movies: light, fluffy
and sweet. However too much will make
you sick so it’s good that the movie clocks in and around an hour and a
half. It’s not as bad as everyone says
it is and it’s certainly better than god damned (Batman) Spider-Man 3. Anyone who says it’s worse is an idiot. An idiot that should be shot. Then shit on.
Then buried in a sewer run off.
Because their opinions are different than mine and therefore their lives
are meaningless.
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