Sunday, July 1, 2012

Batman & Robin (1997) DVD

I think we could add more characters.

Rating:  -1 out of 5 fucks I give about this cinematic late term abortion

Plot Synopsis:  Joel Shumacher rapes our childhood in the fourth installment of the old Batman franchise.  Seriously though, this thing is a mess plot wise.  We have Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy and Bane vs. Batman, Robin and Batgirl in this fucking train wreck of a movie.  The plot is bad, the script is bad, the cinematography is bad, the sound track is alright but everything else is shit.  This movie is a terrorist act against people of every creed, race and religion.

The Good:

-Take away the nipples and the costumes are pretty bad ass.

-Freezes costume is pretty cool.  There’s a lot of detail and the neon blue highlights make it visually striking.

-The fight scenes aren’t that bad, really.  I mean they could be worse; it could involve actual violence against the mentally handicapped.  Although you could argue that it does.

-Freeze is treated as an unstoppable bad ass which he is kinda supposed to be; at least he’s not treated like a total joke like Bane.

-Hey, they got a pretty star studded cast.  It’s not their fault that they were given shit to work with.  You’ve got some of the hottest actors in Hollywood, the vast majority of the main cast has only gotten more popular and pretty much they’re all still working.  So casting isn’t really an issue.

-“Well, I can respect your opinion, sadly I’m not good a rejection.  I’m afraid you have to die.”

-Freeze dancing while listening to the Snow Miser in his ice lair.

-Clooney has flashes of brilliance in his performance as Bruce/Batman.  You can tell that he is just totally and utterly handcuffed and beaten by the script and the direction of this movie.

-At least a wrestler got a paycheck out of this.

-When Freeze is watching his wedding video there is emotion and real acting on the part of Arnold.  Of course it’s ruined almost immediately by the movie getting in the way.

-Despite everything against them the actors are able to sneak some actual acting into this movie before it gets stomped on by homicidal incompetence.

-I don’t blame the actors for this.  The deck was impossibly stacked against them.

-Uma Thurman still mages to get some sexy moments.

-The Bat credit card, its expiration date is “Forever”, like the last movie.  It’s the kind of clever that isn’t totally offensive unlike everything else in this movie.

-It’s Jesse Ventura, the former Governor of my progressive former home state of Minnesota.

-The neon skull gang in the Turkish bath house.  I know, that sounds stupid as shit, but I take what I can get in this movie.


-The different gangs at the bike race.  Sort of reminds me of The Warriors.

-Freeze makes a spinning ice statuette of Nora out of a clock and ice.

-Riddler and Two Faces costume in the property lock up and Arkham.

-Bane runs interference like The Fridge.

-“You’re too old for me.” “No I’m not.”

-Bane’s mask is pretty sweet.

-That is the sexiest access granted voice ever.

-At least they didn’t kill off their villains.  Well not all of them anyway.

The Bad:

-They crudely morph the WB logo into a frozen Bat symbol, it looks terrible and is stupid.  Like your face.  I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that, it’’s just, it’s this movie man.  Its just got me, like, all, like, I don’t know man.

-I hate the first 10 seconds, not a good sign.

-The opening sucks, it’s unoriginal and poorly done.

-That is one gayer ass Batmobile.

-“I want a car, chicks dig the car.” is this your first time seeing the car Robin?  Have you never seen the 
Batmobile before?  How long have you been working with Batman?  Mother fucker, you don’t get a car, fuck you and your desire to attract a female partner.  Is this somehow a setup for when Poison Ivy seduces Robin?  Is that the payoff this is leading too?  Here he expresses his loneliness and desire for a mate so when one comes along it’s understood why he does what he does? this a fucking call back to the last movie?  Fuck you movie, fuck you.


-There is way too much production value in the Batcave, a neon coffin for the Robin-cycle, a huge neon platform for the Batmobile; it’s just all too, too much.

-“Don’t wait up Al.” “I’ll cancel the pizzas.” an example of the award winning banter here folks.

-Alfred starts showing signs of deadly Plot Related Disease.

-Fuck you Gordon, just, just fuck you.  Now you’re dressed up in some stupid fucking Halloween costume.  Why do you hate me Gordon?  I know why I hate you now, but why do you hate me?

-How does Freeze’s gun work?  There’s no real consistency it what it can do.  Is it concussive?  Is it just a freezing gun?  Can it break things or just create a barrier?  What’s the range on it?

-It’s fucking yabba-dabba-doo time in the Gotham museum as Batman rail slides a fucking dinosaur.

-Bat skates.

-When Freezes gun stops shooting, I guess, it sounds like an old man wheezing.

-“Freeze, you’re mad!”  George Clooney is Adam West as Batman.

-Whatever they need is just conveniently attached to their waist when they need it.  It’s not there before and it doesn’t go back when their done.  I just appears and then disappears.

-Where the fuck are they?  They never establish where anyone is in relation to each other or anything else for that matter.  Are they nearby?  Are they close?  How close are they?  Are they inside?  Are they outside?  Are they far from where they started?  Are they near where they started?  Where the fuck are they?

-Oh, red=boiling, if you didn’t already know.

-Also, hypothermia apparently isn’t a thing here.

-There’s no such thing as smooth plot transition here, it’s just scene after scene, barely connected.  Not really connected at all save for the fact they appear in sequence on the same DVD.

-You know, the Batman TV series was campy too but it was still fun.  This isn’t fun, this is just shit.

-Ok, so hypothermia does exist it’s just on a plot convenient delay.

-Thank god there were security cameras there to capture Freeze’s origin.  Good thing they got great coverage as well.

-Alfred’s PRD continues to slowly get worse, symptoms include: reminiscing, looking forlorn at things, talking in finalities, inducing flashbacks in other characters and wincing randomly.  In some instances spontaneous character introduction can result.

-Is there any bit of dialog in this that isn’t a pun, an outdated pop culture reference, shitty one liner or clumsy exposition?

-This movie killed my love affair with Uma Thurman and Alicia Silverstone.  They used to be so hot.

-“You came all the way from England but magically have no accent.”


-Bane in a fucking trench coat and fedora.

-How do you get in an observatory that is held aloft by monolithic man statue?

-Doctor Lee was in Forever but he was a cop, I think?  It wasn’t real clear what he was in the last movie but he was in it.

-I fucking hate fucking Gossip fucking Gerty from the fucking Gotham fucking Post.

-This isn’t how auctions fucking work.  You don’t just shout numbers at all the lots all at once.  You bid on a series of lots, one at a time, with the highest bidder receiving the lot.  You don’t just parade all the lots out there while everyone with money yells what they’d pay for whichever one they want.  That’s not called an auction, that’s called fucking stupid.

-This movie hates our freedom.

-It sometimes seems like Arnold doesn’t realize the camera is on him and is just acting stupid without knowing that it’s going in the final cut.

-Is coherency too much to ask for?  How about continuity?  Is continuity too much to ask for?

-Was this made by film student?  How about mentally handicapped?  What about mentally handicapped film students?


-Recording a CD is the least convenient way to send a letter and also if you’re going to go to the trouble then you might want to say more than four words.

-CARTOON SOUND EFFECTS!?!  CARTOON SOUND EFFECTS!?!  Why do you hate me so much?

-“Alfred is not sick, he’s dying.” yeah, Bruce, thanks, aren’t they kind of the same?  Was a distinction really needed?

-I don’t think that’s how frozen pipes work.

-Fuck this movie.  End god dammit!

-Inconspicuous as fuck:  
They have become stealth.

-How do diamonds power anything?  They aren’t fossil fuels or electricity, they’re fucking minerals.

-“I’m a lover not a fighter, that’s why every Poison Ivy action figure comes complete with him.” *Bane grabs Batman* The Poison Ivy action figure did not actually come with Bane.

-Don’t push people into vats of strange liquids!  That’s how you make Joker’s!

-The movie went from outrageously bad to just boring.  Frankly I don’t know which is worse.

-Grahg blarg blah blah, water and seaweed!  My one weakness!

-So the whole argument in the Batcave?  All that strife?  It was just a trap for Ivy?  When she was nowhere near you and could possible know what you were doing?  It wasn’t at all to deceive the audience, you know, the people actually watching the movie?

-No shit it’s you Barbara.  Why don’t you say my real name louder, you know, in case somebody didn’t hear you.

-So Freeze is about to ice the whole city and you stop to change into winter motif suits?  Maybe if you just went after him instead of going to the Batcave to change into color appropriate costumes you could have just stopped him instead.

-On second thought there aren’t ENOUGH ice puns.  Could we get more please?  I think 10% of Mr. Freezes dialog isn’t ice puns and that is just not acceptable.


-I take back what I said about the action scenes.

-I don’t think that’s not how anything works, NOTHING WORKS THIS WAY MOVIE, NOTHING!  FUCK YOU!

-Batgirl can figure out how to reposition satellites with a computer but it takes her all fucking night to figure out a 3 letter password on her uncle’s CD?

-Plot Related Disease is fixed by Plot Related Cure.

-The one costume that would benefit the most from nipples, Batgirls, doesn’t have any nipples at all.  What the hell?

The Ugly:

-Bat nipples, Bat buns, bat crotch, that is our first few seconds of actual movie

-The ice puns.

-The dialog is terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible.  It’s just terrible.

-This movie is 90% one liners.  It really makes me question the creative process of the scriptwriters.  Did they just all sit around a table and free associate until they had enough to fill the length of the movie?  What isn’t a one liner is clumsy exposition so maybe they just free associated and when they realized that, somehow, didn’t create a coherent narrative they just threw in exposition where it was absolutely needed to tell some kind of story.

-Tim Burton’s name isn’t anywhere on this, unlike the last 3 movies, which may explain why it’s so far off the rails.

-The last movie the color palette was a welcome, subtle, expansion from the desaturated and monochrome colors of the previous two movies.  In this movie there is way too much color.  It’s oversaturated and distracting.

-This movie has yet another Beauty and the Beast reference.  Was this a thing when these movies were made?

-Alfred is Max fucking Headroom now!?!

-Alicia Silverstone has a terrible action face.  Her lips get all pursed off the center of her face and her eyes get all asymmetrically squinty.  It’s not a good look.  It would be sexy if she weren’t trying to look confident and bad ass.

-This movie is 2 fucking hours long.  TWO FUCKING HOURS!

Final Thoughts:  Fuck this movie, just fuck this movie.

            My original ending was going to be that.  I thought it would be a funny way to end it briefly especially because this thing is already over 1500 words long but I want to add some things to clarify my stance.  This movie is shit.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know why camp worked with the 60’s Batman and why the camp here is insulting and stupid.  The writing is so incredibly poor but that could be from too many cooks in the kitchen.  On paper this movie should be good.  Every.  Single.  Person.  In this has skills.  Skills that, in fact, bay bills.  Uma Thurman, George Clooney, Chris O’Donnel, Alicia Silverstone, Arnold Schwarzenegger have all made millions of dollars on their own and probably thousands of billions of dollars combined.  They can all carry a show or a movie on their own but combined they create this shit show.  Joel Shumacher did a great job with Forever.  Forever was camp but it worked, it was a fresh take on the Batman franchise.  This is not fresh and does not work on any level.

So on paper this should have worked, this should have worked, but it doesn’t.  And it doesn’t in a bad way, there’s nothing fun or funny or ironic or intriguing about it.  It’s shit, total, unwatchable shit.  But I blame the art, I don’t blame the artists in this because everyone involved has proven that they are better than this.  Much like Spider-Man 3 the most frustrating part about this thing sucking is that there is clear reason as to why.  But it sucks and it sucks in every single way.   I don’t often hate the movies I watch, I usually like them, otherwise I wouldn’t watch them again and again but I hate this movie.  I hate, hate, hate this movie.  But I hate the movie, I hate the thing itself I don’t hate anyone individually because it’s not the fault of any one person.  Even with all the crap there are shining moments in this movie, the actors manage to put out something worthwhile despite the fuck sandwich they were forced to eat.  Don’t see this movie, ever.  Just don’t.  There are no circumstances that would make it worthwhile.  Just avoid it.

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