Sunday, February 22, 2015

Justice League: Throne of Atlantis (2014) Blu-Ray

More like Throne of Atlant-ass, amiright!
Rating:  2 out of 5

Plot Synopsis:  Jerk asses are jerks but this time it’s underwater.

The Good(+), The Bad (-), The Ugly (~):

- So, the WWE is teaming up with the Flintstones.  Featuring a pre-quitting CM Punk!

+ The Green Lantern they used for Lego Justice League vs. Bizarro League is Guy Gardner, I’m pretty happy about that.  Guy IS the superior Green Lantern.

- I don’t think they know how submarines work.

-Whoa, a huge gout of blood hits the walls just a few minutes in, really looking to hit that ‘teen’ demographic eh?  Then we end on some dudes picture of his now widowed wife and half orphan son.  Real classy.

+ Supes and Wonder Woman are a boning pair now!  She pretty much started creaming her onesie the second she saw him in War.

+ Aquaman has a pretty bitching set of mutton chops.

- Did he just shove a lobster down his pants?

- I’m pretty sure Aquaman just killed a bunch of mugs to protect a lobster, who he dumped back into the water, where it will probably die.  Lobsters don’t live, in like, the general idea of water.  They live in very, very specific environments.  That’s why I can’t just drop a cage in Lake Superior and catch lobsters.

- I’m not really digging pre-Aquaman Arthur Curry, kind of a dumb concept.  They tried something similar with Namor in the 90’s with more success.

- Why is Billy Batson, the boy scouts Boy Scout, such a delinquent?

- So, Superman and Wonder Woman fly from Greece to go to a Greek restaurant in Metropolis?  That’s like leaving your Italian grandma’s home cooked meal to go to Olive Garden.  They’re just dumbasses.

- I see they decided to keep the JLA a giant colony of assholes.

- Dropping Shit-bombs, like adults!

+ I do like Nathan Fillion as GL as well as the relationship between GL and Batman.

- I was really hoping the addition of Rosario Dawson, an experienced decent actress, would help Wonder Woman but she’s just as dull and flat as the last Wonder Woman voice.  Is it just something about the character?

- I fucking hate Shazam in this.  I do actually like the comic character and the character was great in the JLU animated series and the Young Justice series.

- Why would you trust someone named “Black Manta” who looks like Darth Vader?  He’s clearly evil, why is, like, the thrones most trusted advisor?

- “I’m really hung right now…” what!?!  What?  What?  You mean ‘hung-over’?  Nobody shortens that to ‘hung’, that’s not what people do.

- Water isn’t dry land but floaty.  Explosions don’t work that way under water, you could have at least tried.

+/- Really jacking up the violence and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.  You know, I bought this in the kids section.  I would be less bothered by this if it was just with the general movies but the fact that this is considered a ‘kids movie’ kind of bothers me.  Obviously it’s up to the parent to know what they’re buying and showing their kids but it was also $20 and it’s kind of a waste of $20 if you’re looking for a decent superhero movie to show your kids.  I have a feeling that, much like WAR, this will end up being too mature for kids but too stupid for adults leaving you with no audience.

+ The animation is real smooth and all the fight scenes look great.  Everything looks good and they’re well-choreographed, hopefully it won’t be 60 numbing minutes of it like with WAR. 

+ Superman: “Retreat.” Like a boss!

- “I am the sole survivor of my planet…” Thanks Kal, we get it, we know!

- How is everyone breathing?  Cyborg is wearing some kind of mask but everyone else is just… holding their breath?

- Superman gets punked.

+ Helpful whale out of nowhere for the save!

- Superman kills a rare Giant Cthulu Shrimp.

- How are they talking if they’re holding their breath down there?  They have no breathing apparatus, when they open their mouths to talk water should just force itself into their lungs at the depth they’re at.  How are they functioning?

- We’re just going to cram Steel into the cameo gang bang…

+ Hal’s giant green mech that he uses to casually vacuum bad guys into.

+ Dude takes one in the throat!

+++++ SHARK OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE FOR THE WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Ocean Master is just OWNING the League, almost better than Darkseid.

- So, according to this movie, I can just use a tazer on electronics to power depleted cells.  Remember, if your car battery is dead just taze the shit out of it and you’ll be fine.

- “We’ve just spent the last half hour butchering you wholesale but now will you follow me as King of Atlantis!”  That’s not a mistake, it wasn’t posed as a question.

- After all that punching a recording is what saves the day.

Final Thoughts:  You know, it used to be that DC made THE best animated movies.  Their live action movies weren’t so hot but they had that animated shit on lock down.  While Marvel was producing a Spider-Man cartoon where no one could actually hit each other DC was revolutionizing childhoods with Batman: The Animated Series.  When you didn’t think they could do better than that they dropped Superman: TAS.  Mask of the Phantasm, Under the Red Hood, Batman/Superman: Public Enemies, Batman/Superman: Apocalypse, the list goes on and on with a greater emphasis of excellence on their animated series.

                Lately though something is different.  Son of Batman was alright but WAR was garbage.  THIS is garbage.  If they’re trying to make the Justice League competitive I don’t think they’re doing a very good job of it.  The Avengers is filled with relatable, vulnerable, likable characters while Justice League continues to just be a colony of assholes.  In both WAR and this I find it hard to like any one of these characters.  Sure, there are moments and lines that I liked but nothing added up to anything compelling.  I would recommend just skipping this one.

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