Sunday, February 15, 2015

Iron Man & Captain America: Heroes United (2014) Netflix

More like *stupid* Heroes United, amiright?
Rating: 1 out of 5 Iron Men United With Random Jabroni’s

Plot Synopsis:  Iron Man is united with heroes.  This time it’s Captain America.  Villains are also united and it’s Taskmaster and Red Skull.  Red Skull is kind of latched on to that whole ‘perfect race’ thing and tries to make one using Captain America’s blood.  It doesn't go well for anyone, audience included.

The Good(+), The Bad (-), The Ugly (~):

+Ohhhh, that’s some pretty water.

+ The guy doing Red Skull does a decent Hugo Weaving impression.

~ Cap looks like shit, he looks like a refugee from a video game cutscene.

+ Hey, it’s the Udon Taskmaster.  That’s a bold choice.  I like it.

~ The lip sinking on Red Skull is terrible, his mouth looks animated from South Park.  It’s all jerky and doesn’t match the words.

- I am not looking forward to what’s coming.

+ The opening is animated in a really interesting stylized war propaganda style.

~ Alright, everyone’s mouth is animated incredibly poorly in stop motion.  It’s not just Red Skull.  Why skimp on the mouth animations if you’re going to make a CGI movie?

- Here we are again, in Tony Starks abandoned helicarrier.  At least it doesn’t look exactly like a helicarrier.  They changed it up some.  It still begs the question as to why he needs a floating, massive death fortress for just him and his inventions.

- Cap looks totally different from the opening to the first fight scene.  They bulked him up considerable in five minutes.

~ Oh my god, Tony’s helmet camera is re-god damn (Batman)-diculous.  It looks so terrible!  It’s embarrassing.  I feel embarrassed for this movie.

- “Repulsor powered armor?” What the hell is “repulsor powered armor”?  I think they mean the arc reactor which powers his repulsors.

- Cap dodges an arrow that appears out of nowhere and disappears in to the ether just as fast.  It looks more lazy that impressive.

+ The following fight between Cap and Taskmaster is pretty decent all things considered.

+ There are a couple of pretty funny moments.  They are definitely aimed at a younger audience but I could at least recognize them as funny.

~ They tear his helmet off and, I swear, no lie, because of how crappy it’s animated I thought they ripped his skull open and I was staring at his brain.  It was just his hair but it didn’t look anything like hair.

+ There’s another really great propaganda style sequence towards the middle.

- Taskmaster almost seems jealous of Captain America, jealous like a high school girl.

- They had a convenient costume and shield deco for the freshly brainwashed Cap.

- Cap gets taken out by the same trick twice in a row!

-Cap’s Hydra costume actually looks pretty cool.  It kind of looks like Punisher’s Captain America costume.

- Stark knows his stolen costume is nearby but due to some gentle ribbing from Cap he decides to just abandon it without another thought.  Sure, just leave the weapon of mass destruction in the evil lair of a criminal mastermind.  No problem, nothing wrong with that.

+ The Hydra super soldier bad guy assembly line is pretty cool.

- While the bad guys are bickering TAKE THEM OUT!  Don’t let them finish, just sucker punch their asses!

+ Red Skull’s “Uber Men” are pretty cool.  I’d buy that action figure.

- Hulk shows up and he looks nothing like he did last movie and stupid just in general.


- Red Skull always has a final plan.  A final solution if you will…


- So what’s going to happen to all the Uber Men Hulk tore through?  Is the facility just going to be littered with their corpses?  That’s kind of dark.

- Once again this is set in the MCU but not really set in the MCU.  It’s set in the MCU when it’s convenient.

~ I think this Hulk looks worse than the Ang Lee CGI Hulk.

- This ends on the worst, limpest final battles I’ve ever seen.  Cap dons the “Iron Patriot” armor and he and stark fight the Hulk.  It’s the dumbest thing ever.  There’s no conflict or tension, the Hulk looks bored and I AM bored.


+ It’s over.

Final Thoughts:  I can’t say I was really looking forward to this.  At the end of Iron Man/Hulk I was really, really hoping that this sequel wasn’t on the way.  Honestly I didn’t even pay attention if there was a teaser for an additional Iron Man Heroes United movie.  I think they would be best to just put the whole thing on the back burner honestly.  The plot isn’t that great, it has elements of greatness, it has hints of greatness but they don’t manage to pull much out of the potential that exists at the heart of all things.  I don’t really care about Captain America, I don’t really care about Iron Man and I don’t really feel threatened by the villains.  This is a children’s movie by way of the laziest stereotypes of children you can imagine.  Children don’t get subtly, children don’t appreciate complicated plots, and children don’t have long attention spans.  None of that is really true and do you really want to promote that if it were true?  I think you can hide a lot of flaws in children’s movie because they are going be more accepting of plot holes but that doesn’t mean you have to talk down to them.  Hell, people are bringing their kids to The Dark Knight Rises for craps sake!

                There just isn’t a whole lot here for anyone.  I think a kid would find it boring and I think the adult watching the kid watching this would find it insulting.  It’s insulting to both them and their kid.  This movie basically says “Your kids a piece a shit.  We don’t have to try harder than this.” And on top of all the story related problems this thing looks like it was animated using a Playstation 2!  It’s an assault on all the senses and on good taste in general.

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