Sunday, May 11, 2014

X-Men: The Pryde of the X-Men (1989) VHS

Sadly not Dazzler's Disco Power Variety Hour
Rating: 2 out of 5 Brotherhood of Mutant’s Members Taken Out Like Common Street Trash

Plot Synopsis: Magneto escapes imprisonment, never mind how or why he was imprisoned, and goes after the “Mutant Power Core”(?) of Cerebro so that he can hurl an asteroid at the Earth. Despite the fact that he lives in a larger asteroid that he could just aim at Earth and despite Earth being where all the mutants live. The mutant’s he’s fighting for. It seems like a flawed plan is all. Also Kitty Pryde helps out the X-Men.
The Good:
-The Acclaim 4 awesome Spider-Man games commercial. Spoiler Alert: They pretty much all were terrible.

-Spider-Man telling me to register to vote.

-The opening theme is fucking bad ass.

-Stan Lee shows up to tell us about the setting of the world.

-“He’s a mutant, a stinking mutant!”
-“Quick sand!” Remember when quicksand was a thing? I do. I remember it being a big thing, it was, like, in all the cartoons and old movies. I was legit afraid of quicksand as a kid, I didn’t know where it could show up, I didn’t know what it looked like. Pretty much any time I saw sand where it looked like it didn’t belong I freaked out a bit.

-You know, the animation isn’t that bad really. I would say that this is superior to the animated series that would be made a few years later. It’s pretty anime inspired though.

-Hey Dazzler, what’s up with your disco onesie self?

-Colossus walking confidently up to Blob then being completely unable to move him before being shrugged off effortlessly.

-The X-Men using their powers to do things they could easily do with their hands.

-Space travel ain’t no thang for the X-Men, it’s just as normal as anything else.

-Toad actually gets a few good licks in before he’s taken out. He, in fact, probably gets the best shots in before being taken out, almost everyone else gets taken out with one or fewer hits.

The Bad:

-The White Queen sounds like an old lady.
-How fucking stupid did they think kids were? I realize this was the pilot for a kid’s animated series but the way it slowly spoon feeds you everything is kind of frustrating with how broad everything is played and how clunky the exposition is.

-Scott Summers sounds like an olde tyme news anchor.

-Wolverine is suddenly Australian for some reason. He sounds like someone doing a bad impression of Paul Hogan.

-Magneto’s powers are very vaguely defined, he just seems to be able to do whatever the plot requires. So I guess he has plot powers, no wonder he’s an omega class mutant.

-The Blob is fat not retarded. There is a difference, you can be one without the other.

-Why does Toad sound like a poor man’s Peter Lorre? Also like Slimer. If Peter Lorre died and became Slimer.

-Cyclops shoots his eyebeams in space, through his protective facemask, without blowing his helmet off.

-The Brotherhood goes out like a bunch of chumps.

-Storm can apparently use wind in space to transport a bunch of people without protective suits.

The Ugly:

-Kurt has no “bamf” and Wolverine has no “snikt” they just have random sound effects.

-The music has nothing to do with nothing, it’s just random generic “kid show” music.

Final Thoughts: There was a time, gentle reader, when stuff like this existed and it was prolific. It was prolific in how much different stuff there was and how many different ways they could package the same thing. There were a few rarities out there but you could find the random DC or Marvel cartoon show VHS at a gas station or a drug store or even a craft store. You could go anywhere and find a $9.99 video tape with 30-60 minutes of vintage cartoon gold on it. That’s just how it was. Sadly those days are no more.

  The nostalgia factor, for me, is off the charts on this one but there’s little else that makes this worth viewing. It’s less than a half hour long, very few of the voices match the bodies they emanate from (Wolverine and Pyro sounding almost exactly alike doesn’t help), the plot is confusing and the action is non-existent. Unless you were a kid and you remember your parents buying the VHS from a drugstore because you needed a comic fix *raises hand* then there’s just no point. It’s too short to riff on and too stupid to enjoy non-ironically.

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