|Justice League: Ass|
Rating: 1 out of 5 Heroes Who Isn’t a Jerkface Dummyhead
Plot Synopsis: Darkseid invades the DC universe and it’s up to our rag tag team of assholes to stop him in the war-iest way possible.
-Batman shows up pretty early and owns everything. They really play up his badass-itude.
-Animation looks good. The character models are well done and everything stays on model even in the action scenes. No expense spared there.
-“I’m Green Lantern dammit!”
-Batman steals the ring right off Green Lantern without him realizing it.
-Batman’s voice and Superman’s voices are pretty great. The rest, with the exception of Wonder Woman, are competent.
-The action sequences don’t suck. They’re well animated, everyone is given cool stuff to do and they get their moments of being the ass kicker.
-The interaction between Hal and Barry is great, when they finally get together. 50 minutes in to a 1 hour 19 minute film.
-Lots of swearing up front. Granted they are “hell”s and “damn”s but still it feels weird. It kind of turns me off early on. It’s just not very Justice League cartoony. I expect that kind language in my review but I want better from my cartoons.
-The tone is really aggressive. Everyone is kind of an asshole. I get Batman being kind of dickish and clashing but so far Hal is really dickish and Batman is really dickish. When I think Hal I don’t typically think dick. He’s brash, cocky and a little egotistical but not traditionally a dick. There’s some good old fashioned values and a heart of gold underneath the rough exterior.
-Barry seems like a loser. When I think of Barry I don’t think of put upon loser I think respected scientist who is ironically late when you consider his powers. He’s a little eccentric maybe but likeable.
-Cyborg apparently plays football in his spare time…?
-Throwing the word “whore” out a little early and loosely there aren’t you kids cartoon?
-Wonder Woman feels really wooden and lifeless.
-Surprise, surprise, Superman is a dick too. He just attacks the other heroes without provocation?
-No one wants to fucking talk to each other? There’s no introductions? There’s no knowledge of who’s doing what in the greater world? Why is everyone being such assholes? Superman, Lantern and Bats fight each other destroying blocks of Metropolis when they are on the same side and were on the same side from the start. WTF mate?
-Billy Batson is just some punk kid. He’s not opposed to lying to get into a football game and then stealing Cyborgs jersey. Billy is supposed to be more boy scout than Superman, he’s supposed to be innocence personified not some jerk street urchin.
-During the sequence when Vic Stone is being turned into Cyborg I think I’m supposed to care but I am just not that invested. I don’t know the character of Vic Stone, I don’t know his father, and I don’t know their relationship. The stakes are too low for me to care.
-Wonder Woman doesn’t know what ice cream is and waves her sword around like she has no concept of weaponry. Why is she so stupid? She doesn’t understand why she shouldn’t wave her sword around civilians? She’s a princess so she should understand diplomacy as well as combat. She should have equal experience in politics, philosophy and war. It’s ridiculous, insulting and demeaning to the character to portray her as some child-like, bloodthirsty idiot.
-Oh my god, wait, is this what New 52 is like? I’ve read a few Batman issues from New 52 but I haven’t really been reading stuff from DC since New 52. But are the character this cynical? Is everyone just an asshole in New 52 or is this just for the cartoon?
-Everyone is very disconnected at the start. Batman, Superman and Lantern are off doing their own thing, Cyborg is off with Flash and Wonder Woman is on her own. It’s 40 minutes before we get any kind of cohesion in the form of Wonder Woman meeting Superman. But they aren’t the League, it’s over half the movie before things start to come together but even then there isn’t a team vibe at all.
-When Wonder Woman meets Superman it’s lust at first sight.
-God, Shazam is such a tool…
-What are the stakes in this movie? Why should I involve myself? What’s going on? Why should I care? This really should have either 1) aimed a little lower as far as scope or 2) made this a mini-series because they are trying to cram a lot into this. Why should I care about Darkseid? He shows up and basically says “Fear me” but why should we? He proceeds to whoop errybodies ass but that’s not the same as actually establishing him as a credible threat.
-Apparently everyone wants to fuck Wonder Woman. Everybody but Batman and Barry are in some kind of competition to win the nether regions of the Amazon princess.
-WTF? Why is Bruce Wayne pouring out his origin story and identity to Hal Jordan of all people out of nowhere? Hal even asks “Why are you telling me this?” Why ARE you telling him this? It just doesn’t make any sense.
-I fucking hate Shazam.
-“Don’t you get it?!? I’m giving you clunky exposition about my character!”
-So, how’s that Wisdom of Solomon working out for you Billy? Because it doesn’t seem like you have any brains whatsoever.
-I don’t know if I could be less invested in what’s going on. I think 95% of this movie is action scene and it starts at about 5 minutes in. I’m totally numb to what’s going on by now. I just don’t care, I’m tired at this point and completely disinterested.
-Look how adult we all are, saying the word “shit”. So gritty!
-So, we’re just going to leave a depowered Billy up on some random roof then?
-Where is the War? Is it a War on the viewer’s senses? Is it a War on taste?
-Wonder Woman’s voice acting isn’t that great.
-I retract my previous statement and re-iterate, she’s fucking terrible. She makes me hate the character.
-Para-demons have their heads on upside down now?
-Cyborg looks super stupid in his clunky robo-shell.
Final Thoughts: I was actually really looking forward to this and I’m incredibly disappointed. It gets one point for having some pretty funny moments and for Batman but that’s pretty much everything positive I have to say for it and I really have to push it to want to give this thing 1 star. I try not to be “that guy” when it comes to these things, I try to go in with an open mind and enjoy what’s presented to me but much like X-Men 3 there is so little to hold onto that I found myself HAVING to nitpick just so my brain could latch onto something. There’s so little else to get involved in that I have to involve myself in the minutiae of the lore and there’s so little respect paid to that I can do nothing but complain about it. This is a pass, if your taste aligns with mine, if your taste has ever aligned with mine, you can trust me when I tell you to just ignore this one. Just pretend it doesn’t exist and go on your merry way ignorant of this sack of shit polluting the store shelves.