Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016) Theatrical Release

Have you learned nothing?

Plot:  Lex Luthor inexplicably plays the two smartest, most powerful people in the DC universe while simultaneously keeping everything needed to shoehorn references to DC's movie plans.

Score:  2 out 5 Batman Murders

Review:  I realize I'm incredibly late to the party but I think I can finally processes this movie enough to where I can talk about it.  When I went to go see this movie it was at theater that served booze.  I had already had a stiff drink before, having ate at the attached restaurant, and my buzz was mostly gone by the movie.  However when we took our seats someone was going around taking drink orders from people.  This was the first time I had seen the theater do this after having seen a couple of movies there, in retrospect they clearly knew something I didn't.  I turned down the drink, in retrospect I should have taken the hint.

Justice League: Throne of Atlantis (2014) Blu-Ray

More like Throne of Atlant-ass, amiright!

Rating:  2 out of 5

Plot Synopsis:  Jerk asses are jerks but this time it’s underwater.

Iron Man & Hulk: Heroes United (2013) Netflix

Wasted potential Bros!

Rating:  2 out of 5 Practically Anonymous Hydra Scientists

Plot Synopsis:  Hulk gets captured.  Hulk is used as a power source.  Then things get really stupid.

X-Men: The Pryde of the X-Men (1989) VHS

Sadly not Dazzler's Disco Power Variety Hour

Rating: 2 out of 5 Brotherhood of Mutant’s Members Taken Out Like Common Street Trash

Plot Synopsis: Magneto escapes imprisonment, never mind how or why he was imprisoned, and goes after the “Mutant Power Core”(?) of Cerebro so that he can hurl an asteroid at the Earth. Despite the fact that he lives in a larger asteroid that he could just aim at Earth and despite Earth being where all the mutants live. The mutant’s he’s fighting for. It seems like a flawed plan is all. Also Kitty Pryde helps out the X-Men.

Avengers Confidential: Black Widow and Punisher (2014) DVD

Avengers Crap-fidential

Rating:  2 out of 5 Anime Bullshits

Plot Synopsis:  Some guy is making super soldiers and, for some reason, the Punisher is involved.

Watchmen: The End is Nigh (2009) Xbox 360

Watchmen: The Potential is Wasted

Rating:  2 out of 5 Illegal Costumed Vigilantes

Plot Synopsis:  Nite Owl and Rorschach beat the hell out everyone ever.  Out of both types of people, big and tank like as well as normal proportioned.

Spawn (1997) Cinemax movie channel

Spawn?  More like...flan.  Am I right?

Rating:  2 out of 5 Crappy CG Demons

Plot Synopsis:  Al Simmons gets himself killed and then makes a deal with a PS1 demon.  He is then annoyed by a fat John Leguizamo in a clown suit.  There’s a lot of angst and an English accented, magic homeless man.  It ultimately doesn’t matter, none of it ultimately matters.

Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. (1998) DVD

You should never hassle the hoff.

Rating:  2 out of 5 Humanoid Robots Clearly Used As A Plot Point

Plot Synopsis:  David Hasselhoff is Nick Fury.  That’s pretty much it.

Grandmaster (2013, Theatrical Release)

The first Kung Fu Romantic Documentary

Rating: 2 out of 5 of the 64 Palms

Review:  I am a fan of two things, superhero fiction (whatever form that may take) and kung fu movies.  Superhero movies I almost prefer to see alone if I'm going to go see one, I don't know why, it's just not an experience I'm keen on sharing.  But kung fu movies I really only want to see with someone else.  Again I don't know why but I find them to be more enjoyable with another person.

  As I left the theater last night with a friend we were discussing the movie we had just watched and I said that I was "struggling to define it", 12 hours later and I still struggle with that.  I guess Kung Fu Romantic Documentary would be the most apt description.

Kick-Ass 2 (2013, Theatrical Release)

The only character that matters

Rating: 2 out of 5 Dogs Attacking the Crotches of Accused Human Traffickers

Review:  You know after posting about defending my high review scores I think I may have cursed myself because lately most of what's been in the theaters has been pretty meh.

  Kick-Ass 2 is okay and depending on what you want it may do something more for you.  I didn't hate my time with this movie but in all honesty you could probably avoid this if you haven't really gotten on the Kick-Ass train yet.  I loved the first Kick-Ass movie, I loathed the comic book and I want to you use this opportunity to talk about that a little, but first the movie itself.  Dave, the titular Kick-Ass, really takes a back seat to Mindy who is Hit-Girl.  In the first movie the movie was all about Dave with Hit-Girl and Big Daddy playing supporting roles while also being the major highlights of that movie.  I'd say that the movie is better for focusing on Mindy because it gives actor Chloe Grace Moretz a little more room to, you know, actually act and she does a fantastic job with what she has.  I would say her performance and that of Jim Carrey are the reasons you would go see this movie.  Jim Carrey doesn't get a whole lot of screen time so I wouldn't use that as the sole reason to go see this.  But if you like Moretz and Carrey and the first Kick-Ass then this movie is probably a 3 or a 4 for you.  It will never be anything more than that, no matter how much you like anything Kick-Ass related.

Superman Returns (2006) X-Box 360

Man of Meh

Rating: 2 out of 5 cheap ass bosses

Plot Synopsis:  I don’t fucking know, you’re guess is as good as mine.

Blade II (2002) Xbox

Sadly there's no ice skating

Rating:  2 out of 5 Totally Unqualified Voice Actors Not At All Associated With The Original Work

Plot Synopsis:  Does it really matter?  I guess there’s Blade and he does a whole lotta shit that he doesn't do in the movie which includes blowing up cars and motorcycles, destroying security terminals and shotgunning computer monitors.

Prometheus (2012) theatrical release

  Few movies in 2012 were as anticipated as Prometheus, a scifi/action/thriller that proposed to explore the origins of humanity and why, as always, we should have just stayed home. I had high hopes going into the theater- after all, this was a Ridley Scott film, the director of Blade Runner, Gladiator and of course Alien (from which Prometheus takes its universe). But instead of another classic I was treated to a two hour struggle between the characters and plot. Neither survived.

Batman: Gotham Knight (2008) DVD

Rating:  2 out of 5 boring segments in an endless series of vignettes.

Plot Synopsis:  There are a million naked stories in the city of Gotham.  Fortunately (or not as the case may be) that is the only thing naked in this series of vignettes that are a shameless rip off of the failed franchise cash in Animatrix.

Tell Me A Storyline: Deadpool - Dead

Series: Deadpool
Issues: Vol. 3 #50-54

  I've recently finished Dead, the story took place in the pages of Deadpool Vol. 3 #50-54.  I gotta say, overall I didn't like it.

  The story is coming off the awesome arc with Evil Deadpool (we'll cover that later), someone has come up with a serum that will make our dear Merc with a Mouth mortal again.  By which I mean remove his healing factor and the only thing that enables Wade to hang with anybody, because when you have a mouth like that you need a healing factor to survive the beatings that are sure to follow.  When Wade sees that Evil Deadpool is in fact killed after being injected with this serum he decides to use this opportunity to run into the arms of his lady love: Death.  But of course Deadpool can't go out like any normal person, he has to go out it style, with pizzazz, with gusto, he's got to go out on top.  So Dead follows Wade's plan to die.

The Trial of the Incredible Hulk (1989) DVD

Rating: 2 out of 5 call backs to Matt Murdock’s blindness, we get it okay?

Plot Synopsis:  David Banner goes from a modest country hole digging job (???) to be big city when he’s bullied by a veteran county hole digger (????).  Going to the city he finds a rundown apartment and goes looking for a job without ID, a resume, references, a telephone or a social security number.  Ah the 80’s, when you could get away with that shit.  He helps a girl on the subway from getting, I don’t know, forcibly married (that’s what the guy says, that he’s going to make her his wife) and ends up involved in a plot orchestrated, rather poorly, by the Kingpin of crime.  Also Daredevil shows up.

Elektra (2005) Blu-Ray Directors cut

Rating: 2 out of 5 sai’s thrown through a ninja with super powers

Plot Synopsis:  The Hand wants a little girl, because, hey who doesn’t want a little girl and Elektra gets involved.  Much ninjaing and hot Jennifer Garner follows.  Plus it’s got Shang Tsung and Zod in it.

The Punisher (1989) DVD

Rating: 2 out of 5 saved mob children

Plot Synopsis:  The Punisher kills dudes.  Then he get’s wrapped up in the Yakuza and a mob kidnapping plot where he helps the mob save their kids.

Ghost Rider (2007) PS2 Game

Rating: 2 out 5 chain whips

Plot Synopsis:  It’s really kinda bullshit.  But I guess the Devil threatens Johnny’s girlfriend with something, there’s something about Blackhearts body.  Also Blade get’s involved.  I’ve played most of the game and I have no idea what the hell is happening, I just beat dudes with a chain and shoot them in the face with a shotgun.