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| More like *stupid* Heroes United, amiright? |
Rating: 1 out of
5 Iron Men United With Random Jabroni’s
Plot
Synopsis: Iron Man is united
with heroes. This time it’s Captain America. Villains are also united and it’s Taskmaster
and Red Skull. Red Skull is kind of
latched on to that whole ‘perfect race’ thing and tries to make one using
Captain America’s blood. It doesn't go
well for anyone, audience included.
The Good(+), The
Bad (-), The Ugly (~):
+Ohhhh, that’s some pretty water.
+ The guy doing Red Skull does a decent Hugo Weaving
impression.
~ Cap looks like shit, he looks like a refugee from a video
game cutscene.
+ Hey, it’s the Udon Taskmaster. That’s a bold choice. I like it.
~ The lip sinking on Red Skull is terrible, his mouth looks
animated from South Park. It’s all jerky
and doesn’t match the words.
- I am not looking forward to what’s coming.
+ The opening is animated in a really interesting stylized
war propaganda style.
~ Alright, everyone’s mouth is animated incredibly poorly in
stop motion. It’s not just Red
Skull. Why skimp on the mouth animations
if you’re going to make a CGI movie?
- Here we are again, in Tony Starks abandoned helicarrier. At least it doesn’t look exactly like a helicarrier.
They changed it up some. It still
begs the question as to why he needs a floating, massive death fortress for
just him and his inventions.
- Cap looks totally different from the opening to the first
fight scene. They bulked him up
considerable in five minutes.
~ Oh my god, Tony’s helmet camera is re-god damn
(Batman)-diculous. It looks so
terrible! It’s embarrassing. I feel embarrassed for this movie.
- “Repulsor powered armor?” What the hell is “repulsor
powered armor”? I think they mean the
arc reactor which powers his repulsors.
- Cap dodges an arrow that appears out of nowhere and
disappears in to the ether just as fast.
It looks more lazy that impressive.
+ The following fight between Cap and Taskmaster is pretty
decent all things considered.
+ There are a couple of pretty funny moments. They are definitely aimed at a younger audience
but I could at least recognize them as funny.
~ They tear his helmet off and, I swear, no lie, because of
how crappy it’s animated I thought they ripped his skull open and I was staring
at his brain. It was just his hair but
it didn’t look anything like hair.
+ There’s another really great propaganda style sequence
towards the middle.
- Taskmaster almost seems jealous of Captain America,
jealous like a high school girl.
- They had a convenient costume and shield deco for the
freshly brainwashed Cap.
- Cap gets taken out by the same trick twice in a row!
-Cap’s Hydra costume actually looks pretty cool. It kind of looks like Punisher’s Captain
America costume.
- Stark knows his stolen costume is nearby but due to some
gentle ribbing from Cap he decides to just abandon it without another thought. Sure, just leave the weapon of mass
destruction in the evil lair of a criminal mastermind. No problem, nothing wrong with that.
+ The Hydra super soldier bad guy assembly line is pretty
cool.
- While the bad guys are bickering TAKE THEM OUT! Don’t let them finish, just sucker punch
their asses!
+ Red Skull’s “Uber Men” are pretty cool. I’d buy that action figure.
- Hulk shows up and he looks nothing like he did last movie
and stupid just in general.
- “OH HE SAID IT! CAP
TOLD HULK TO SMASH! JUST LIKE THE MOVIE!”
- Red Skull always has a final plan. A final solution if you will…
- “OH THEY DON’T WANT TO MAKE HULK MAD! HULK SAYS THAT, HE SAYS STUFF LIKE THAT!”
- So what’s going to happen to all the Uber Men Hulk tore
through? Is the facility just going to
be littered with their corpses? That’s
kind of dark.
- Once again this is set in the MCU but not really set in
the MCU. It’s set in the MCU when it’s
convenient.
~ I think this Hulk looks worse than the Ang Lee CGI Hulk.
- This ends on the worst, limpest final battles I’ve ever
seen. Cap dons the “Iron Patriot” armor
and he and stark fight the Hulk. It’s
the dumbest thing ever. There’s no
conflict or tension, the Hulk looks bored and I AM bored.
- Ah THE HULK IS HUNGRY!
IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THE HULK IS HUNGRY!
*CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP*
+ It’s over.
Final Thoughts: I can’t say I was really looking forward to
this. At the end of Iron Man/Hulk I was
really, really hoping that this sequel wasn’t on the way. Honestly I didn’t even pay attention if there
was a teaser for an additional Iron Man Heroes United movie. I think they would be best to just put the
whole thing on the back burner honestly.
The plot isn’t that great, it has elements of greatness, it has hints of
greatness but they don’t manage to pull much out of the potential that exists
at the heart of all things. I don’t
really care about Captain America, I don’t really care about Iron Man and I don’t
really feel threatened by the villains.
This is a children’s movie by way of the laziest stereotypes of children
you can imagine. Children don’t get subtly,
children don’t appreciate complicated plots, and children don’t have long
attention spans. None of that is really
true and do you really want to promote that if it were true? I think you can hide a lot of flaws in
children’s movie because they are going be more accepting of plot holes but
that doesn’t mean you have to talk down to them. Hell, people are bringing their kids to The
Dark Knight Rises for craps sake!
There
just isn’t a whole lot here for anyone.
I think a kid would find it boring and I think the adult watching the
kid watching this would find it insulting.
It’s insulting to both them and their kid. This movie basically says “Your kids a piece
a shit. We don’t have to try harder than
this.” And on top of all the story related problems this thing looks like it
was animated using a Playstation 2! It’s
an assault on all the senses and on good taste in general.
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